Forgiveness

When I was young, forgiveness came easily. If someone apologized, they were sorry. They were repenting. They genuinely felt bad about whatever they did. So I forgave them, and it was easy to move on. And if it happened again? Forgiveness would still be given for an apology. However, as I have grown and come out of my naivety of youth, forgiveness has become harder. Not because I have been hurt by so many people. But because I have been hurt so many times by the same people. Because I give them my forgiveness and they continue to do things to hurt me over and over and over. So it has hurt other people in my life by making me distrustful and less than forgiving when *they* make mistakes. It has made me bitter and unhappy. But. Now as I am older and I recognize that there are pieces of my general unhappiness that are connected with poisonous and hurtful people, I have taken to doing something I could never fathom as a child. Cutting those poisonous people from my life. I never wanted to tell someone I didn't want to be their friend. Or I didn't love them. Or I didn't want to ever see them again or be around them or anything that would make them feel like less of a person. I never wanted to hurt anyone the way I had been hurt by being told, in so many words and ways, that I wasn't worthy of their time and energy. But there is a quote from my favorite show, Scrubs, that holds the feeling I have begun to adopt. "You can't even take care of a single patient unless you learn how to take care of yourself first." Like I said, the other people in my life, the people who don't hurt me constantly, suffer when I try to care for the poisonous people in my life. Because I am suffering, they suffer. And that's not okay. It is the opposite of what I want for the people in my life. So I'm taking care of myself first now. I can count on one hand the number of people I have cut out of my life and have been happy to do so because it took a load off of my shoulders and let me breathe again. 1) My ex-stepmother 2) My ex's crazy ex 3) The girl who tore apart my team at work 4) The ex who was never sorry 5) The ex who was always sorry This is the order in which they were dropped from my life. It was hard at first, but it is easier now that I recognize when people are not good for me. I don't hold onto their memories out of bitterness (well, maybe the last 2, because they are so fresh, but I'm working on it). I hold onto their memories as a reminder that sometimes I have to walk away from people for my own good. I don't want to become poisonous to the other people in my life. I want to lift them up and make them genuinely happy, the way the do with me.

Remember when...

I said I needed to give up on certain "nothing" relationships? Welllllllll... I did. Pretty quickly after that post actually. I think within the week, though I don't remember exactly...days have flown by since then! And you know what? I'm HAPPY! The first day...I sobbed hysterically. I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was going to die. The second day, I weeped, and I let the hurt settle into me. Then the third day came...and the pain was gone. Like a match, the pain burned bright for a moment and then was snuffed out. I gave it a while, this feeling of contentment, thinking maybe I was just shoving the pain down. So whenever I felt a tinge of pain, I gave myself over to it, thinking, "Oh okay! There's the pain, here we go! I'm gonna cry!" But I didn't. It was a pinprick of pain and then gone. After the sadness was gone, the anger set in. To be brief, since I don't feel like dwelling on the past month and half worth of angry break up music, dude was a dick and not worth my time and effort. Things are going so much better now. Now that I'm not focusing my energy on Him (which is how I will now forever refer to Him as), I'm caught up on my bills, doing better in school, juggling two jobs, AND doing a lot of stuff for my internship. I'm super tired and running off of fumes, but so incredibly fulfilled and happy. I don't even have time to watch that much television anymore. The last day I had off...I spent it cleaning and organizing!!!! I feel amazing. I don't hate myself anymore. I ate Wendy's yesterday and I was disappointed in myself due to health and money reasons, but I didn't beat myself up over it. That's a big thing for me. I'm so excited to see what the rest of this year holds.

Trying

There are some things that I need to keep trying on. Graduating, getting healthy, paying bills... And there are other things I need to learn to give up on. Like certain relationships. Relationships that are toxic. Or relationships that aren't toxic. They aren't anything. They just exist with no idea of a future. No "expectations". Fuck you. Sometimes expectations are helpful and guide. Expectations can change, but without them at all, you will just float through life and nothing will stick. Friends, lovers, happiness, life... Making plans are okay sometimes. I might just have to give this one up, to save my heart and time.

I hate myself

Well, okay, I don't hate myself all the time.

But I do hate myself when I eat McDonalds, or lots of pizza, or when I sit on my butt all day and avoid anything real.

Things like working out, educating myself, socializing...

Instead I watch Scrubs or How I Met Your Mother or South Park...and don't get me wrong, these are all shows that I greatly enjoy. But this is a like an everyday occurrence. All day.

So I want to change. Like...I REALLY want to change. I want to get over my laziness (because really that's what it is) and I want to CHANGE.

I want to be healthy. I want to eat more vegetables and fruits than meat and pasta. I want to get ACTIVE. Not necessarily run, because I hate running, and not just because I'm unfit. I have boobs. Running hurts even in a bra. But I will run, if it helps me. I want to spend my time reading, not watching TV.

I want to treat myself the way I always imagine I will treat my own children. Feed them healthy food, encourage and enrich their bodies and minds to grow, express my love for their well being...

I WANT TO CHANGE.