Trying

There are some things that I need to keep trying on. Graduating, getting healthy, paying bills... And there are other things I need to learn to give up on. Like certain relationships. Relationships that are toxic. Or relationships that aren't toxic. They aren't anything. They just exist with no idea of a future. No "expectations". Fuck you. Sometimes expectations are helpful and guide. Expectations can change, but without them at all, you will just float through life and nothing will stick. Friends, lovers, happiness, life... Making plans are okay sometimes. I might just have to give this one up, to save my heart and time.

I hate myself

Well, okay, I don't hate myself all the time.

But I do hate myself when I eat McDonalds, or lots of pizza, or when I sit on my butt all day and avoid anything real.

Things like working out, educating myself, socializing...

Instead I watch Scrubs or How I Met Your Mother or South Park...and don't get me wrong, these are all shows that I greatly enjoy. But this is a like an everyday occurrence. All day.

So I want to change. Like...I REALLY want to change. I want to get over my laziness (because really that's what it is) and I want to CHANGE.

I want to be healthy. I want to eat more vegetables and fruits than meat and pasta. I want to get ACTIVE. Not necessarily run, because I hate running, and not just because I'm unfit. I have boobs. Running hurts even in a bra. But I will run, if it helps me. I want to spend my time reading, not watching TV.

I want to treat myself the way I always imagine I will treat my own children. Feed them healthy food, encourage and enrich their bodies and minds to grow, express my love for their well being...

I WANT TO CHANGE.